Monday, March 7, 2011

Squirrelhead the Bakery Mistress

Between wife #1 and wife #2 their was a 12 or 16 week period when I lived real close to the University Club on Summit Hill in Saint Paul. My buddy Louis was managing some properties in this elite neighborhood and told me that he could find me a room for a few months since I had done something similar for him a few years prior.

So there I was, kicking it on Ashland Avenue with a futon, a Border Collie and a skate board. Other than some clothes, I possessed nothing.

So during this same period of time, a bakery that was rival to the one I worked at shut their doors. The closing came as a surprise and their entire staff was flushed into the wilderness fleeing for jobs.

One of the strategies that bakery owners used to use back in those days is that they would hire 4 or 5 employees from a defunct crew, bring them into their workplace and basically you'd have a battle royal.

Within a month, 4 employees would be without a job. It could be the entire new staff, or it could just as easily be existing bakers.It was kind of degrading to some that they always were in a constant audition, but I always figured if you were good that there was nothing to worry about.

So it was a Thursday afternoon and we all were prepped that the following day the newbies were coming in. Our owner told us one of these bakers was a woman, and she had a history of kicking a**.

I didn't know what that meant, or what his point was, but the following day when the quartet filed in together, we were all amazed at how stunning this female employee was.

Her manners were impeccable, and to be honest her skills on the bench were stronger than anybody might of imagined.

Throughout her 1st shift she asked all kinds of questions that focused on our company hierarchy. Who ran this shift? Who ran that department?

It just so happened that she ended up working on my team and I was her immediate supervisor. Back then I was young and handsome, and even though this chick was married with 4 kids, I must admit that I was smitten. Not "Hey girl, what say we get together for cocktails" smitten, but more like "If I ever get a woman prego 4 times, I hope she looks 1/2 that good."

At the end of our second shift together (a Sunday Night)I grabbed my skateboard and prepared to push my way down West 7th street even though it was raining out. And as I began using my Rambo skills to turns a Hefty garbage bag into a Pancho, Squirrelhead told me that she would be happy to give me a ride home.

So during the drive she unloaded a little "TMI" about her family life. The truth is when you are a young man, the last thing you want to hear about is love lost. It is about as relevant as soil samples from Neptune.

So when we pulled up in front of my place, Squirrelhead kept engaging the conversation. I didn't want to hear it, but when a girlio saves you from surfing home in a rainstorm, you gotta be polite.

I gave her 7 or 8 minutes, but then I used the old "I gotta let my Border Collie out to pee." excuse.

My apartment was on ground level, and more often than not, I just slid back the window and hopped into my pad. Squirrelhead witnessed this, I assumed that she just wanted to make sure I got in safe, but the next morning, when I opened my eye's.....there she was standing over me.

I was down on the floor in my boxers stretched across my broken futon, and here was this really attractive woman hanging over me with this goofy grin on her face. A lot of guys might have been flattered by this occurrence, but dude.....I've seen "Play Misty for Me" and it freaked me out.

I sat up and she just stared at me.....Squirrelhead wouldn't say a word, she just kept smiling. We were hours away from our shift starting, and I knew we didn't have prearranged plans, and anyways....I was now dating Sue McGleno again, how would I explain this scenario if she just happened to walk in.

Although my head was groggy....I chose to use Joesph's response when he was encountered with a similar situation that involved Potiphar's wife. But I couldn't flee like he did, I was in my underwear, and I was in my home. So I just sat up and swore at her convincingly, while attaching derogatory names to her.

That night at work could of been awkward. Klecko is always the first to show up for a shift, but on this night Squirrelhead slid in before I did. So as I approached the bench, everybody was busy engaging whatever task was at hand.

After 10 or fifteen minutes of unusual silence, I threw out the evenings first topic out for discussion...OK this is Klecko talking......"Hey Trivia Question for 1 dollar. One of the people who are on this crew tried to do it with me today, for one dollar, name that employee."

So Squirrelhead turned red and ran out of the bakery in tears. The morning supervisor called me an A-Hole and went out to comfort her. Within a week Squirrelhead sunk her claws into him and started a sorted love affair. The morning supervisor ended up confessing the betrayal to his wife and it almost cost him his marriage.

I talked with the alpha of the quartet who came over, a guy named "Fish", and Fish said that the rumor was that the bakery they were working at prior shut down because the owner was doing it with her too, and there was a strong possibility that Squirrelhead's 4th child was his.

Either way, we both figured that our chapter would be concluded at the months end when our current bakery owner made final round cuts, but you know what.....Squirrelhead was pleasuring him as well.She was like a sultry cockroach. We couldn't get rid of her.

As this bizarre series of events continued to unfold, Squirrelhead's husband entered into our plot line. Over the course of 3-4 months the cat came and slashed close to a dozen tires on our bakery trucks. We'd have surveillance guy's hiding out in the shrubbery for hours at a time.

I remember sitting in the business office and rumors began to float that she was now doing it with the head of our cake division, and he was preparing to get married and go on his honeymoon in a few weeks.

I confronted the owner and asked him if all this destructive mayhem was worth it and he responded "have you sampled any of that?"

I couldn't believe how memorized she had the entire bakery. I'm certain that if she would have stayed aboard for another year we'd have gone out of business or somebody would have gunned somebody down, but what's the saying? One mans trash is another mans treasure?

Before the 1/2 year mark, Squirrelhead started hooking up with Jack the Milkman. I'm not kidding you, after a few romantic weekends with our dairy delivery guy...Squirrelhead was never seen of again.


  1. But why Squirrelhead? Did her head look like a squirrel's head? Like an entire squirrel? Is this some hip slang my kids never told me about?

  2. LOL, the bakers coined the phrase, and I don't like to get graphic, but what is it that squirrels collect in their cheeks?