Sunday, November 21, 2010

The Pastry Chef, Seduction and the Robbers

The names have been changed to project me from getting sued, but I swear to Polish Jesus not an iota of this story has to be embellished, c'mon......if you work in the Food Show long enough, you don't need too

When I was in my early to mid 20's I took a job at a bakery where I was working the bench. during the last 3 hours of my shift each night a woman named Doris came in to do the Pastry. Doris must have been in her late 30's and she had that special "Aunt Bea" quality about her.
I'm trying to be nice here....can I say that she was portly, or is that an adjective best used with male torso's? OK then....Doris was pretty fat, had long straight hair, about the same length and color of Susan Day (back when she played Lori Partridge). Her vision was horrid, so she had to wear glasses which were made from the same kind of wire that math teachers and youth pastors choose.
For a couple months we didn't talk much, but when we did it was usually focused on our days immediate tasks. That's why I was shocked on a mid November evening when she called me over to her station. After offering me a treat from her finished pieces, she pulled an envelope out of her purse. The contents were a pile of photos that was as thick as a stack of I-Hop pancakes. OMG how I hate moments like this, It could have been tolerable if I thought there was a remote chance that I would be featured in some of the shots, but I knew that just wasn't the case.
During situations like this I typically rifle through the pack as quick as possible and make generic comments that let people know that I really don't care, but at least I fulfilled my minimal social obligation.
However - However - However....LOL, on the top of the stack there was a picture of Doris posing in prostitute like clothing (not that I know how brothel attendants dress). I chuckled out loud. I was shocked that Doris had a fun loving side to her. Remember.....we were just a couple weeks past Halloween so I assumed that these were pictures from a party, but when I got down to the 8th or 9th shot.......she had a plastic ball bungee corded into her mouth, and a big out of shape man was lording over her with things in his hands this i have since mentally blocked out.
I swear to Caesar I blushed so hard, so fast that I had Casper feet within seconds. My eyes must of shot out of my head like Buckwheats used to in the Little Rascals because at that point Doris didn't wait for me to resume looking at the pile, she gently took them from me and put them pack in her purse.
I did my best to act all cool and unaffected, but we both knew I'd need to run for shelter.
During the next couple days nothing "David Lynch" like happened and I just kinda figured we'd ride the moment out together on an awkward wake, but then when nobody was close by she called me over. I figured she was either going to apologize or delude her previous actions......BUT, SHE STARTED UP WITH ME AGAIN!!!!!!!!
"You know Klecko I was talking to my husband, and I told him that I showed you our pictures and he said that he'd love for you to come over after work tonight and he would share me with you. He works security and gets home around midnight, so we'd have about 1/2 hour to get started without him!"
HaHaHa, I don't know what freaked me out more....the invitation, or the fact that these people even thought I was in their league (you gotta remember i was a young Golden Adonis at the time).
I didn't say anything, I just turned my back and she issued the question....
"C'mon Klecko.....Yes or No"?
I swear I didn't know how to respond to such a thing, as much as I hate to admit it, Danny Klecko has always been a naive rube. I ended up turning around and stretching out my arm (palm facing her) and said "I rebuke you in the name of all that's holy!"
I stole this quote from Mr Rourke on Fantasy Island when he got into a 2 episode conflict with Roddy McDowell who wore a black suit / red tie and represented some sort of Satan character.It was a "go to" phrase in the neighborhood I grew up in when somebody really pissed you off, but you could only use it on special occasions that denoted urgency.
Doris kinda freaked out after I rebuked her, and then I followed up with some other phrases that I won't repeat. By this time our co workers started to mill around, and when my supervisor came to investigate I yelled out loud enough for all to hear that Doris was trying to "do it" with me and her husband at the same time.
The supervisor turned and looked at her and asked her if the allegations were true, and to the ol' girls credit she said "Yes-yes they are." and then she punched out, went home and never came back.
A couple weeks later on a Tuesday night (i remember cuz i always had Saturdays and Tuesdays off) I was watching the news and they showed video surveillance film of a bank robbery. The culprits were Doris and her husband. They got caught and ended up getting sent away for a long time.
When I look back there is an element of disbelief in my mind, but w/o a doubt the hospitality industry introduces you to such a diverse element.
For awhile I kinda felt bad and painted scenarios as to why Doris still had some redeeming qualities, but as time marched on. I became content that in all journey's you're going to get weirdness placed in your path, how you respond to these situations (not if you resond) will define your charactor.

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