Sunday, February 13, 2011

Dead Chihuahua's & Angel Cookies

Alright, it's been a busy morning, usually on Sundays I wake up at 6:30 a.m. and watch 2-3 hours of the 3 Stooges (on AMC) with my 4 dogs, but today they all had to be brought in for comprehensive exams.

Half my stupid paycheck goes into a K-9 health care plan each week because
I have a sheltie, 2 jack russells and a chihuahua.

I never wanted the latter.....I'm a terrier guy at heart and I didn't wanna hear all that yapping.

One afternoon I was on the West side by a house where some dudes from south of the border were trying to be enterprising by starting a chihuahua puppy mill.

One of the puppies had parasites eating through 90% of it's coat, had extra teeth that needed extraction, dew claws and a hernia, Heaven knows that this poor mutt hadn't received any of it's mandatory puppy shots.

I felt bad, but...whatever, it was just a stupid chihuahua.

Sue McGleno, who incidentally was still somewhat pissed at me for bringing home 3 other new puppies to live in our Nike show box (within a period of 6 months)w/o asking looked at me and said "Shoot! I'm already sick of these dogs, but look at him....he'll die if you don't take him. If you leave w/o picking that chihuahua up, he's dead."

I picked the dog up, spent money we didn't have, and got Deedle-Deedle (formerly Meatball) up on his feet.

Chihuahua's were weird though, as I watched it, and lived with it, the behavior I witnessed was almost squirrel like. Every time you are within 5 feet of one of those guys they spaz out, they have to live alert, if they get caught napping once.....they are squish.

At first my son was down with Deedle-Deedle, but when he found out that this 6 pound mutt wouldn't go poo or pee outdoors, he thought that was so fop, he claimed litter boxes were for cats, but the day he really struggled with chihuahua issues was an afternoon when we were at Petco.

On the end of the aisle, on the end cap they had dog purses hanging, you the one Paris Hilton sports.

I can see my kid notices them, but turns his sight line 180 degrees, praying to God that his father won't see them. I took that as a personal challenge. The purses were $32 dollars and came in 2 styles...

#1 was a sleek black piece.

#2 was a gaudy plaid one with red-black and yellow stripes.

"Sonny Boy" I says...."Look at what Christ has provided for his flock, chihuahua bags, are these - or are these not stellar?"

12 year old boys don't get that when a kid challenges their dad, a father has to pursue avenues that he wouldn't normally go down just to show them that its the tribal elder holds the keys to the Camero.

So now when my kid see's me observing the 2 styles he says "Dad, I'm so serious...if you have to buy a purse, please get the black one."

I bought the plaid.

On the way home in the car I'm not sure if I was merely explaining my choice or justifying it....

"Let me tell you kid, you are on a street in a crappy part of town, there's 2 sidewalks, each sidewalk has a burly guy on it. The one on your left...that guy is walking a Doberman Pincher, to your comes a thug carrying a chihuahua in a plaid bag, seriously....which guy frightens you more?"

Without taking a second to think, my kid was certain of his answer and responded

"The guy with the purse would scare me more, but I'd just b**** slap him and take his side of the street."

We both laughed for a long time. Isn't it funny though how a prophet is never honored in their home town?

When Mickey Rourke finished making that movie the Wrestler, he toured to the Cannes Film Festival and other places with his 17 year old chihuahua. I think he even brought it to the podium in France.

However...the dog died before the Oscars so Mickey promptly replaced it with another dog of the same breed. My kid thought that was awesome.

Because of this, chihuahua's gained some swag in his sight.

I didn't ask if it was because Mickey had cooler hair, better tattoo's, or if he was impressed by the roided out middle aged body, I was just glad that my son had rejoined the Deedle-Deedle campaign.

This afternoon I took Sue McGleno to the Barnes Noble bookstore in Highland Park.

She had read the Sunday book reviews in the Star&Tribune and they pimped a book called "It's all Relative" a story about 2 families, 3 dogs. 34 holidays and 50 boxes of wine (Wade Rouse / Crown Publishing).

So as Sue McGleno is pulling her Christmas gift cards out of her wallet, the INFO woman says "Sorry....we don't have it in yet."

I called my publicist "A-10" to rant about how stupid Barnes & Noble was and she said....

"Dude, they get shipment and it goes to warehouse, then it gets shipped to the local retailers, go to Keillor's bookstore, support an Indy, they'll have it.
They don't have to factor the middle man."

As always, she was correct. They did. So after buying the book we went down the street to the Cheeky Monkey Deli. It's on Selby avenue. The location is interesting because if you go 2 blocks might hear gunshots, if you go 2 blocks'll witness mansion living.

I remember talking to the chef when they were building the space out, kinda a haughty snit, during our first meeting he informed me that he couldn't put too much thought into my wares, he was about to embark on a multi country deli tour of Europe and he wanted to start at the top and see how far he's have to settle with products upon his return.

Klecko doesn't usually hate on people, but when that thin little turd made that statement I told Polish Jesus...

"If you have to call that clown home for dinner, I'm not going to shed a tear P.J."

So over the last year, year and a 1/2, Ive dined there and they have done a better than average job. But, today as we sat in there...Sue McGleno commented...

"Boy the architecture is really neat, and I love the color palate they've used, but what do you think about the tacky art work? You know those frames came from Super Target right?"

On the walls they had framed album covers like Shaft, the Village People and even the infamous Captain and Tennille. It really held back a positive vibe that was screaming to get out.

When Sue McGleno's soup arrived, she asked...

"Didn't this used to be Zander's Restaurant, and didn't he have a chihuahua?"

In fact it did, and that concept was owned / run by Alexander Dixon who many believe was on of the best chefs that the Twin Cities ever had.

His mosaic soup was Christ like and Chef Dixon wasn't afraid to nudge champagne at your table no matter what time of the day or week it was.

I was still waiting for my order, so while Sue McGleno slurped...Klecko told her one of his all time favorite hospitality stories.

"Dixon was chihuahua before it became vogue. If you ever ran into to him anywhere, and if you ever went anywhere you did, cuz dude was always making the rounds, and when you saw him....he was always carrying that little rat all cradled in his arms as if that chihuahua was the Christ child. They could not - would not be separated at any price. In fact, after finishing your meal at Zander's, he always treated you to a complimentary cookie which was shaped like a chihuahua.

Years went by, and then one day word hit the street that Dixon's little guy some how got out of the backroom and was struck on Selby avenue and died. Everybody was just sick-sick-sick when they heard this , we all knew how dude loved that mutt.

The next time I went into his joint I didn't bring it up, but he volunteered that he was soon to be getting another chihuahua pup. I figured it would help him in the whole grief process, but when my check came....I found out that he had been working on his recovery. On the check tray was a chihuahua shaped cookie, but unlike the older versions, this one had angel wings."

Vet just called.....Deedle-Deedle is ready for pick up. I'm out.


  1. It's hard to pick a favorite nugget out of this one because I laughed out loud at least four times. Great piece to read for a Sunday evening.

  2. Klecko I laughed so hard I had tears running down my face.!!

  3. These comments humble, I'm glad somebody likes my life's events!