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Friday, February 11, 2011

FDA - C Edward Coop and stealing Garrison Keillors Salt Shaker

As I pen this, it's 6 p.m. on a Friday night. Most of my community are finishing dinner or arranging their wardrobe and hair goals only to bust loose on the Twin Cities, but little Danny Klecko sits in his work office, tired, alone, and saddened at just another "unwritten rule" that has been forgot.

But, before I begin my whiny rant, let me back up and set the scene of events that led to my fowl disposition. Last night, Klecko passed out a little earlier than usual knowing that Friday was going to be a big day, in addition to doing work related business, he realized that he had a lot of preparatory work to do for a Saint Paul Bread Club Meeting that will be taking place Saturday morning.

The topic will be Mark Twain and White Breads, and Klecko will be discussing the new Mark Twain autobiography as well as breads that were designed during the boom of the Industrial Revolution. Most of those breads used pre ferments or "White Sponges" and you have to mix those and let them sit 4-6 hours before you even mix the final bread dough.

BTW....did you see that Garrison Keillor ripped the work (Twain's Biography) in the New York Times?

Keillor loves to fancy himself a poet, and even though he and I live in the same home town, I won't back such a stuck up punk, I mean....c'mon - dude, it's Mark "Fricking" Twain and you're gonna dog him, are you for real?

One of my current employees actually visited his comfort palace recently after one of his Lake Wobegon dealios, I asked him/her to swipe me Garrison's salt and pepper shakers.

Typically I don't gone in for such thuggery, but this time I felt justified, but to my dismay.....he/she came to work the following day and mentioned that they lost the nerve, but if it were any comfort.... (and this is a quote)

"For somebody who is so wealthy, he sure had a s***** cookbook collection in his kitchen!"

But I digress, anyways...I needed to mix those ferments for my "Gas Station / White Breads" but the moment I suited up...the FDA came strolling through the door.

Now let me start off saying "Danny Klecko has Mad Love for the FDA." I really think they are "Mad Fresh", but what day is it????? Friday!

Remember earlier in the week when I reported on Marble Breads and the "Unwritten Rule" about dark VS light dough percentages?

Well in term of inspections, there has always been an unwritten rule that they won't bother a commercial bakery on Friday,because most commercial bakeries are closed on Saturday, so because of this, a double bake is taking place.

But when that inspector crosses the threshold.....Let me tell you kiddo, it is as close to being at the foot of God on Judgment Day as you will ever see before you shed your mortal coil.

You are NOT allowed to ask,beg or grovel. They have to be tough, or the seedy Food Service industry schleps would bury them.

I've been in other parts of the world where the cities and/or countries I've visited didn't have somebody to monitor food practices, let me tell you, as much of a pain in the a** that they can be for the producer, w/o them you'd be really sick....or worse.

I remember one afternoon working at the Gelendzhik bakery on a government baking scope. They were preparing to grow their concept exponentially in the event the won the 2012 Winter Olympic Bid (and they did). The facility was an old abandoned tank making plant for WW2. The square footage must of been comparable to the entire city of Green Bay.

On my second day in this facility it occurred to me that I didn't see any trash dumpsters around the place. so I asked one of the technicians, and he brought me to the west end of the complex, I hadn't visited there yet.

Eventually we pulled up to the loading dock and there was a dump truck and dudes were dumping wheelbarrows of refuse into it.

One after another, after another, after another.

Then we went outside and I saw a cloud of black smoke so thick it reminded my of the sky after the Twin Towers crashed, I'm not kidding....the entire heavens were blotted out with soot. As we got closer to the source, and the wind shifted a bit, I could see that these cats were dumping garbage into a crater as big as Lake Eerie. Dude....it was so wrong.

But lets not just diss the Ruskies, cuz I love them and they are my peeps, but how about in the good old U.S.A?????

Brah, I've worked in places were you could hear poodle sized rodents running across the drop down ceiling tiles. I've stepped into bakeries in Boston's Chinatown that had duck blood strewn everywhere, The list could go on, I could tell you about some girlfriends that I baked with in Asia that had cigarettes dangling out of the corner of their mouth throughout the entire workday, ashes falling into the puff pastry, causing them to laugh as they danced to old Madonna standards on their A.M. radio.

You get the picture, you follow Klecko, You follow the Last American Baker, you acknowledge the Christ is Polish LOL, you are brilliant people.

But for an inspector to come in on a Friday????? Tick -Tock goes the clock and Danny Klecko needs HBO time.

However, in closing, I will say that the baddest a** thing about my inspector is that I got a "Soldier"! you see in the world of inspectors there are 2 breeds......

#1 is the civilian. They are cool, they go to college, then they come to your place and bust your balls a bit.

#2 is the soldier, these are military trained peeps. Today's woman went C Edward Coop on my butt. She came in wearing the full uniform with epilots, bars, stars, stripes and eagles.

The woman was packing.

If Danny Klecko is gonna take a groin shot from Johnny Law, why not go down at the foot of a warrior LOL?

I will end by saying that all of you who live in an area where your food production is monitored, feel blessed, and those of you who live close to Garrison Keillor.....Steal that Plop A**es Salt and Pepper shakers and toss them my way.

I gotta go check my dough sponges....gone

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