Saturday, May 21, 2011

Klecko's Rapture Good Bye

Tick-Tock goes the clock, and according to all theological accounts, Danny Klecko will be getting whisked away @ 6 p.m. central time, but your favorite bread boy isn't too concerned.

The guy who owns all the radio stations, the guy who is claiming this rapture, he says only about 2% of the population will be getting 'golden tickets" and floating northward bound.

Yeah, I realize the odds are long, almost the same odds that I encountered when I took my drubbing at the Saint Paul Sidewalk Poem contest, but I think R.E.M. summed it up best when they sang.........

"It's the end of the world as we know it....and I feel fine!"

After all, if you really think about the human condition, it doesn't take a lot to know how flawed we are.

To prove my point, I would simply start off by taking you into a public bathroom.

The first thing we'd do is investigate the stall's.

Men from all walks of life, white / black, thin / fat, young / old, rich man / poor man, it doesn't matter....if that stall has a door, they will close it and pee while the toilet seat is in the down position, hence splattering urine on the future launching pad for the next schlep who will stumble in to drop a deuce.

As if that weren't enough, during our unique tour, I fricken guarantee you that some abashed soul will feel self actualized enough to step into the stall next to us and call a casual acquaintance to discuss prices on grills at Menard's.

Are we in agreement? Anyone who talks and turds at the same time should be a candidate for eternal damnation....right?

And of course, I won't even broach the topic of how 68% of dudes who release "stuff" from their body in a public restroom won't wash their hands before reentering into general population.

See, public restrooms are just enough reason for God to pull the plug.

I don't think my dour view of humans just applies to Team Jesus though.

I have coached youth baseball and soccer for over 1/2 my life and I have witnessed Muslims, Hindu's and Buddhists embarrass their doctrine as well.

Once I saw a coach write out his 8 year old baseball batting order by birthdays, guess what?

It just so happened that it was his child's birthday that day and he got to bat first. At the games conclusion...dude asked me to encourage the squad to lift his son off the field on their shoulders and run off the field with a celebratory jog.

Can you believe it? We lost by 7 runs.

You just can't make stuff up like that.

Karma bit that coach in the a** within weeks though, the league was coach pitch and that weird instructor, of my cities youth took a line drive off his left nut.

The following morning they had too (Na-Na-Na-Na-Na Klecko covers his ears and eyes)remove his testicle.

It's not just freaks and weirdo's that do this stuff though, in of my best friends ever budged in line at Candy, but get this, he cut in front of a pregnant Muslim chick.

I confronted my buddy and he just sighed at my sensitivity.

Then when you dig into your hallway closet, look for your Yahtzee box, chances are you haven't used it since you went through all the score sheets.

Isn't it funny how once the score sheets are gone that people just stop playing, it's like they are too lazy to Xerox a new one, or God forbid....create one in pen while they play.

But I regress.....

Take that Yahtzee cup and fill it with the harm we do to our environment, the greed that lives in our souls, our inability to recognize women as the superior gender and place them in power over this planet.

Humankind is flawed brah.

It's just that simple.

Many days if I focused on this truth, it would be enough to weld me to my bed.

But their is also something special about everyone of you.

Each person has at least one redemptive quality that warrants our consideration as to whether or not they should be loved......right?

I think that's the thing that keeps me going, but if I'm going to be honest....I guess that might be the same reason why I've purposely collected many more acquaintances than friends.

Alright, we are about 4 hours from my lift off, so I still have some details to attend to.

I've got this really elaborate harness contraption where I will connect all 4 of my dogs to me, so when I get sucked up into the sky, my K-9 posse will cross the pearly threshold with me.

In the event you don't make it....and it is forecast that 98% of you won't, just remember......

I love most of you.


  1. You would love us less if you knew us better!

  2. Lucky at love....unlucky at poetry contests and raptures.

  3. How do you know it wouldn't have been the four dogs hauling you up on the tether?

  4. Kitchen Poet......

    I thought you knew, I'm the Alpha!