Sunday, May 29, 2011

Depp and Pitt VS Klecko, and Russian Chocolate

Some of my inside peeps contacted me and let me know that PEOPLE Magazine is having a hard time deciding who the "Sexiest Man of the Year" is going to be, but apparently they have it whittled down to 3 candidates.

Brad Pitt,Johnny Depp and of course.....Danny Klecko are this years front runners.

One thing that most of you may not know is that in addition to our exceedingly good looks, another thing that we have in common is that we were all born in 1963.

We were all born in the year of the rabbit.

Johnny is the oldest of our special group, he was born on June 9th.

I am the thread that holds our trio together. I was born in the middle on July 8th.

I'm betting it's no surprise to any of you that Brad is the baby of our bunch, he's December 18th. He was just a couple of weeks away from not making our prestigious club at all.

I don't think PEOPLE can go wrong with whoever they pick,I have mad love & respect for my colleagues of vanity, but none the less, I think I have the best chance of winning, and let me tell you why.

Brad has what....27 kids?

This means that he always will have jelly stains on his linen pants, and he's married to Angelina Jolie, whom Johnny Depp co starred with in that "Tourist" movie with.

For that movie Depp had hair extensions made by a world famous wig maker, Klecko on the other hand has new millennium Amadeus hair, and it's 100% natural.

He owns it, and rocks it, like nobody else can.

Also, Klecko does not have to "act" when making movies about falling in love with Russian agents, He's married to the Russian / Jew super model who is certainly the most attractive women east of the Volga.

But, my publicist told me that the Depp camp needs this award badly. They have been an "arrow down" lately and are trying desperately to resurrect Johnny's career.

Apparently they have gone as far as sending Willy Wonka chocolate bars in their press kits, hoping that a hit to the sweet tooth may steer some votes their way.

My publicist retaliated by setting up an intimate interview which was conducted by Oprah where I wouldn't necessarily give chocolate to the judging panel.

I would give them something better, hope.....with a true story that occurred where the worlds favorite flavor was the focal point.


I was teaching in the southwest of Russia, about an hour from the Black Sea at the University of Krasnodar.

My chief task was to teach people of the region about ingredients from the outside world.

Russia is a closed country in many respects.

Part of the reason is that their territory is so massive, its gotta be hard enough transporting goods across their own property.

Up until 2010, they used to have 11 time zones, but now I think they are down to 9.

Either way, it is a huge chunk of property.

So Klecko's in this lecture hall and business professionals from all across the land are coming in to see what the American has to offer them.

I am not the only person on the slate though, there will be other business people who have "Lenny Kravitz" popularity, you know....a name that everybody knows, but when they think about it....they wonder why?

So the event kicks off.

My interpreter Natalia tells me that it is customary that the key note speaker goes first. this way if some of the "business professionals" want to ditch out early they can.

"Blah-Blah-Blah" Klecko spews his thoughts. While shedding insight to his esteemed guests, but he secretly laughs in his head when he stops to think......

"OMG, this could be really good, or really bad for our countries relations. How many people would be comfortable knowing that I am speaking on behalf of the entire nation?"

I crushed it though.

People applauded with enthusiasm so I felt really good.

Now that I was done, I wanted to stay for the remainder of the presentation, but I wanted to do it from my comfort zone.

The back row.

If Klecko cannot be under the spotlight, or preforming, he'd just assume be out of the worlds sight all together.

So me and Natalia slide to the back and then some gruff looking uptight dude takes the stage.

He was the chancellor of dean or whatever the word is for the top person at the university.

According to Natalia, dude was dropping so much love on me that I thought he might skip to the back of the auditorium and hop in my lap.

Instead he introduced his next guest, a young food science women who wad graduating from the U that year and she would be discussing.....chocolate technologies.

I began laughing, not so much at the woman, or the topic for that matter, but I was starting to realize that EVERYTHING in Russia was a technology.

If you walked down a Russian street and some kid named Ivan was selling lemon aid, I guarantee he would want to explain the "technology" of lemon juice levels compared to sugar.

So anyways, the young woman walks onto the stage, and she is wheeling out a cart that has an arrangement of fruits, pretzels, small unfrosted cake pieces and things like that.

Everybody is curious where this thing is going, right?

Well next she wheels out another cart with a little fountain on it. After placing it in the middle of the stage she plugs it in, we hear a humming, and then chocolate begins trickling out some spouts.

This was one of those fountains that you'd buy at Super Target for around 40 bucks and use it for your daughters 8th birthday parties.

But this "technology" was new to Russians and the woman who was presenting was so enthused.

When the presentation was complete, the chancellor walked back onto the stage. And when he talked it appeared to me that he was pissed.

But you gotta be careful reading Russians expressions, if you don't know the language because for all you know, they might just be asking for directions to Taco Bell.

But my suspicions were confirmed, dude was not only going off on her, he was taunting her, and her "stupid toy" in front of over 100 of her peers, some of which may have been her next employer.

Natilia was fuming. She tried her best to translate for me, but at times she just swore in disgust.

If there is one thing, the main thing I hate in the world is shame. I have felt it too many times and I wouldn't wish that feeling on Judas, Satan or the New York Yankee's.

But I was a guest, a stranger in a strange land.

Most of you guys know me well enough by now to know that I enjoy making a story better, even at the risk of adding a little embellishment, but you would be doing the ending of this experience a disservice if you don't believe me when I tell you that this is exactly how the dealio played out.

Even from the back row I could see how sullen this young woman had become. I began thinking about how much time she put into chopping the 500 or 800 different pieces of stuff.

Or how thrilled she must have been when that fountains arrived UPS.

And here stands some fat lout that has money, position and platform....and he's using it to tear apart one of his own.

I was 50 yards away from the woman, but you don't need binoculars to see confidence go bankrupt. you can smell it. It has an odor all its own.

At that moment I swear to you, I looked up at the ceiling and in my head told Polish Jesus that this had to come to a stop. I told him that I was fearful of what I might do if he didn't intervene.

I swear to Caesar, just as I was finishing up my supplications, the chancellor looked back in our direction and appeared to ask a question.

Natalia said that he was curious if "such a toy" was known in America, or if our people was gravitate to "such a thing?"

I have never been a liar, but for the next 2 minutes I just made up statements which I qualified by pulling bogus statistics out of my butt.

"I find this technology fascinating. I have seen items like this, but only in Hollywood movies. I come from the center of America and we do not have such lavish things.

I did not catch everything this young lady said during her presentation since I struggle with your language, but yes, I could see how such an instrument could drive both ancillary and future sales.

In my country 78% percent of food sales go through the woman of the house, and 89% of American women have declared chocolate to be their favorite flavor.

Can you imagine? You have what....$100 worth of items here? Just think if you brought this to a wedding, or a political event how much more you could charge.

I find it fascinating."

So now I grab Natalia by the arm and start walking towards the stage w/o knowing if this would breech protocol.

I asked Natalia to translate the following.....

"If you don't mind, I would like to inspect this more closely. I want to understand this technology so I can tell the people where I live what the progressive businesses in Russia are doing."

and then I popped onto the stage, dipped a pretzel rod in the chocolate and made a big deal out of it with my facial expression. I motioned for everybody to join us on the stage, and they did.

As people filed down the aisle the chancellor said with great pride.....

"Who would have thought? We have a technology that the Americans do not!"

The audience roared with approval.

As everybody began dipping and and making merry, many of the people elbowed their way towards the woman who gave the presentation.

But before she answered their questions, she pushed passed the people that were taking over the stage. Much like Rocky's girlfriend had to navigate her way through that mob to get to Rocky at the end of the first fight against Apollo Creed.

When she stood in front of me, she didn't say a thing. Her eyes were all watery, but then she put her hand on my shoulder and continued showing her gratitude with silence and touch.

Polish Jesus.....I give thanks unto thee.


  1. everything is technology, and everyone's an engineer.

  2. lol.....yes, i forgot the engineer component. Well said.