Tuesday, April 5, 2011

The Sexual Drives of Sous Chefs and Priests

Allright Class,

Before we get started, I would be remiss if I didn't alert you that there will be some "Adult Topics" discussed here in todays blog installment, so if you squirm over sexual dialogue, you might want to pass over this posting,but be assured....the core of todays destination point is much more mental the physical.

The coolest part about Facebook is it gives me an oppurtunity to talk with Hospitality people across the globe. I love gossiping with Pam-Pam about the cupcakes she's making in Ohio, or getting recommendations for restaurants in Maui from my friend Wendy Lyn who lives in Paris.

But Facebook also offers applications that are a little more human as well. Food Service workers will often times pack their bags in the middle of the night and take that "Midnight Train to AnyyyyyWhere" as described in the famous ballad by Journey.

Why wouldn't they? These jobs don't always pay the best, but people need to eat no matter what part of the world they are in.

One of my favorite peeps to talk to (and I am going to change her name to protect her identity) is Vicki. Vick was raised in Dallas and went to work in a kitchen for a year after finishing high school. After awhile she wanted to broaden her skill set, so she came to the Twin Cities and took professional training at one of our top notch culinary centers, this is when I met her. Upon completion, she gathered her junk and high tailed it to Philadelphia, the city of brotherly love.

I have always had the utmost respect for people who can just drift from one state to the next. It seems so liberating, but I am far to much of a coward to attempt such a romantic hajj.

Over the last couple of years Vicki has talked to me about some of the mental issues that have haunted her throughout her life. She says that she thinks she is bi polar and often times her happiness is predicated by whether or not her meds get traction.

We have had several conversations with topics ranging from mundane to...whoa, have you checked to see if you have your social filter installed kid?

But that's why I love this kid to death. Often times people who struggle with mental health issues communicate like crap because they worry so much as to how their sanity is going to be percieved.

I truly don't think most of these people are any more wack than most of us, I just think at times their self imposed isolation makes them desperate.

In the years that I have known Vick 3 things have always remained constant.

#1 - she isn't going to have the focus of desire to stay at a job for more than a year.

#2 - she worships animals

#3 - she desperately wants somebody to love her more than any thing else.

Vicki dreams of a man that will sweep her off her feet and love her with all their might. She wants a guy who will be loyal, while at the same time exhibiting the patience that will be needed to deal with her day to day curveballs that she hurls at the world, and even sometime at herself.

When she expresses these types of desires, I just laugh and reassure her "It's not just you kid, all women want the same thing, but men are wolves!"

So last night I get a phonecall and Vicki is in a neutral mood. I can tell something is kinda perplexing her, so I ask her if she wants to spill the beans.

Many people would segue into the following conversation with some kind of formality, but Vick trusts me enough where she cuts to the quick.

"Ya know, I've been dating this chef. He's a French guy and has these gorgeous blue eyes. I really like him, but I got to tell you....I think sex complicates things.Whenever we do it, he is really happy, but when I don't want to do it, the guy gets upset and grabs a cab home."

So I ask for some clarification to see if the jilted lover bails out every single time he is denied, and Vick confesses "No" that maybe 50% of the times would be more accurate.

The biggest part of her confusion stemmed from the fact that so many times the French guy can be so nice, but he must not really love her if he get frusterated.

So although I love Vicki, and I want to help her, I'm not sure where boundries are here, so I cover the receaver of my cell and scream out to Sue McGleno "Hey I'm talking to Vick and she wants to know why guys are such dicks when they can't have sex, and if that means they don't love them. am I out of line by getting involved in this?"

Sue McGleno has never met Vicki but has spent several evenings talking with over the phone. Usually they discuss meds and stuff (remember my wife is an RN)like that, but sometimes they just talk and b**** about people they hate, and that way both of them emerge happy.

Now the door to my office opens, Sue McGleno pokes her head in and answers.....

"Yeah, by all means explain to her why men are such dicks when they cant have sex, and then when you hang up, come and explain it to me."

Vicki overhears this and starts to laugh. Now I have never claimed to be Dr.Ruth, but I have been a guy my whole life, and I know guys, so I stopped for a thoughtful second to organize my thoughts and asked the following questions.

Does whats his head brush the snow off your windshield?

Does Frenchy take out your garbage for you?

Does he ever make your bed in the morning?

And Vicki starts laughing again thinking I'm trying to get all "Good Will Hunting" on her. So I asked her again and she says that sure, her boyfriend does all of that stuff.

So next I explained to her that I would never dare to attempt to know what goes in in womens heads, but from years of observations, I think many women attach the act of sex to love.

It goes against all their life experiences, but yet they continue to do so.

But here's the secret ladies....whether its hormones or whatever, I can assure you 100% that men don't attach love to sex. Sex is closer to watching a football game than an expression of emotion for dudes. The problem is that men really like sex. They want to participate in it as often as possible, maybe sometimes more than women,and because of this...they'll declare whatever they think their partner is going to need to hear to throw them the keys to the car.

Part of the reason that the world is as wacked as it is, and sick as it is, might be because people consider these types of topics taboo. Men need to be more honest (and thoughtful too), but for now....let's just start at honest.

I guess at some point I will get a report back from my friend, and I hope that love does find her heart. Everybody in this world needs to be loved. Some deny it, but they are delusional.

So that night, I was reading the newest Bobby Fischer "Tell All" book while sitting on my couch, but I am having trouble focussing and it occurs to me that Vick probablty thinks this plight she is going through is unique to her, but it's not.

My ultimate example of this would be to examine the Catholic Church (LOL - bare with me just a second)because even they don't understand how God programmed men.

Now I am not doubting that there have been righteous men that have observed celibacy and served God, but come on, get real...what percentage of men could do such a thing? If 1% were the honest answer, I would be surprised. I think that number is too high.

If you have not noticed yet ladies...men are the stupidest of creatures, and pro creation is all they really think about. while they are driving, in line at the grocery store,or even mowing the lawn....yeah, thats what they think about.

Now in addition to baking, I have been a Production Manager and am currently a CEO, so I think its pretty say to say that I'm better than good at implementing systems.

That's why I actually have to laugh at the church and question how the largest financial instatution on the planet can think that they can construct an army that will stretch across all 7 continents, and this army is made up of men.

You have to have one of these "Soldiers of God" on every block of every city, of every state, in every country...LOL, do the math.

Does the church really, seriously believe that they can assemble an army that is so massive. An army that will comply with these standards of celibacy.

Of course not. That's why the headlines are filled with horror stories about crimes that men have commited against themselves and their children.

As many of you know, it has been my life long ambition to bake at the Vatican. I have pretty much done everything else on my bucket list, but now I am starting to think that maybe my talents would be better used if I helped them implement a system that was realistic.

A system that didn't turn Priests into monsters, but more impotantly a system where a young woman like Vicki who didn't receave the blessings of a loving family or strong mental health could turn to and have questions that are so important answered to her by a true man/woman of God.

Not a baker.


  1. Wise and funny and true ... the trifecta

  2. In Response to "Sexual Drives of Sous Chefs"

    Variations on Baking
    I read your ramble with great interest. I am currently being entertain ed by a young man growing up in my house who is trying to understand relationships. Please bear with me because some of what I have to say has been run through the mind of my fifteen old boy. Sometimes, I find this filter catches questions that I have not asked for some years. He thinks that men and women should both be more honest . He thinks the social frame work for relations is pretty screwed up. He thinks that deviation, variety and diversity are opportunities to improve the world. It is probably my fault for having taught him to ask questions. He has also told me that in his world people >girls< retaliate more than they communicate. He thinks getting into the head of a friend with some problem >asperges or autism< is like a trip to another place. He says this trip makes him understand his own heart better. Bi polar? He is not a wolf and he can cook.

    The truth is there is more variation in men and women than our present culture encourages us to enjoy. I think satisfaction 50% of the time is more than most people get and a temper tantrum, if you don't get is is adolescent. At my age I envy the adolescent expectations.
    I live in Minnesota and I think that any person who would go out side in the cold to scrape my wind shield is a treasure.